I killed a Smurf. Sorry, not sorry. 

As first attempts go, my first attempt at over dyeing a rug turned my rug a slightly blue tinge, but only in the right light. It also stained my tub like a smurf crime scene. I killed Brainy. He was annoying as hell anyway. Don’t tell anyone.

Brainy
No one likes you.

I would deduce this as a pinterfail but frankly, I don’t fail pins. I do them twenty times till I have flattened my face by hitting a wall or I make the damn pin. I mean why buy a fifteen dollar lamp when you can make your own for two hundred.

I make other rugs jealous with my sexy ass. http://www.rugsusa.com

What I have learned from this disaster? Hotter water, I need caustic chemicals, and probably not RIT dye. But I swear on Odin’s Nuts my fifteen dollar goodwill rug will be a glorious shade of teal or I will fray it trying. I need to bring out the big guns here. I need to read some directions and God forbid follow some instructions and it will be blue. I need a blue runner. It has to happen. It is a thing now. I sound like a crazy person… Stop looking at me like that. I’m not crazy. (Tries to bite own ear)

Also Smurf blood is a really good indicator that one should clean their tub. Is this the rug of sadness? I think so..
Advertisements

YAAAASSS I Made an Inexpensive Ottoman

I have expensive tastes. I blame it on going to design school and not being able to withstand something that is poorly designed. I get physically ill. It is stupid and makes me feel like an ass, but it is true. When something is out of balance, it kills me. Funny story, during my husband and my honeymoon on the east coast we drove through Richmond, Virginia. I had to close my eyes the whole way through the town because of how poorly designed some of it was. No offense to those of Richmond, Virginia. This is my weird quirk.

The counter to having expensive taste is you need money, lots of money. We do not have lots of money. Like at all. This poses a great and exciting challenge for me to take something that is goodwill/thrift store bough and transform it into something esthetically pleasing.  I surf Pinterest and say constantly, “I can do that shit.”  I even have a folder for it called “Current Projects.” In retrospect I should probably label it as “ICDTS” or something instead. The other life problem we have is a very small house, and a very young daughter who biffs it quite often. I needed to make a coffee table of some sort. Cheaply, that was safe for my little viking and that looked somewhat aesthetically pleasing. Because I have to look at it all day, and if it bothers me it will get relegated to the furniture graveyard that is my garage.

Thus enter the hunt for a small ottoman! I was lucky in that I found a ottoman at the goodwill, perfect size and in reasonably good condition for twenty bucks. The fabric was dirty ugly. Dated and icky. Seriously foul, but it had some good prospects. Wood feet in decent shape and it was structurally sound. Purchasing new fabric is also a problem because fabric is freaking expensive if you buy it in multiple yards. Especially fabric for chairs, and sofas. I used a single panel curtain instead that was made of some rugged material. YAAAASSS. Here is the results:

IMG_1863.JPG
Fugly right! At least it didn’t smell. All I am saying. 
IMG_1862.JPG
Here is me trying to figure out the best placement of the 7 dollar curtain panel I bought at goodwill. 
IMG_0024
Here is the finished project.
I will probably add another coat to the legs.
Don’t you just love the fence, it is the colors of sadness.
The underside…full of staples, blood, and love.

The process was pretty simple and straight forward.

  1. Purchased ottoman and curtain
  2. Borrowed heavy duty stapler and staples.
  3. Position curtain over ottoman making sure to get good coverage on all sides.
  4. Flipped ottoman over and began stapling curtain to the underside of the ottoman. I attached it to the wood base.
  5. I folded the edges inwards like I was wrapping a birthday present.
  6. Snipped the excess material.
  7. Tightened the legs with a phillips screwdriver and painted them white with some leftover white paint I had from another project.

I feel like a rockstar. Total cost is 27.00 dollars. I am just going to go sit on the couch and bask in my crafty awesomeness.

Low-carb Chocolate Cake with Whipped Cream Frosting

Gah.. All I got to say is that cravings are an absolute bitch. No seriously, when all you can think of is chocolate cake with coffee flavored marscapone cream, one has issues. I have been full of the issues these last few days. I even went to the grocery store in search of some sort of low-carb chocolaty heaven in a plastic container. I found some, but all they screamed to me when perusing them was, “CHEMICAL SHITSTORM!” So I found myself empty handed on the way home and about to gnaw off my arm for want of a chocolate bar. No, my arm is not made of chocolate but I think dismemberment would have been preferable than dealing with the craving at the moment. My Husband said, “Why don’t you just make one yourself. Pinterest it.” I having a pinterest recipe pinned for everything, went at it. This is what I made:

DSC_0175
Stuff!
DSC_0179
Look it is a happy face!
DSC_0180
Stuff doesn’t look so appetizing.
DSC_0181
Then we mix.
DSC_0182
Now we have chocolate mash.
DSC_0190.jpg
Look at me in all my Fluffy no-sugar glory.

All in all, not a bad attempt at a “cake” with these constraints. It was hard as a rock and only slightly chocolatey. I tried to soften it up a bit with a mix of coffee, cream, and Splenda. That really was a hail merry.  I have no idea if it is my cooking skill, ingredients or combination of both. In a pinch though it helped with my cravings and I am currently typing with two hands. So no gnawing happened.

I think in the future I might try something else, like a flourless chocolate cake made with Splenda instead of regular sugar. Seriously you cannot go wrong with butter, chocolate, and eggs. I here by dub thee Odin’s trio!?! I seem to be on a norse mythology kick. Oh also, I would never have black grout in my own home, so gauche. I rent so I must suffer the indignity of viewing the eighties in my kitchen every morning. Woe as me.

 

DSC_0192.jpg
Pardon for the slightly blurry picture, my camera apparently did not enjoy the cake either.
MOIST CHOCOLATE CAKE – LOW CARB, GLUTEN FREE, SUGAR FREE
The Pin can be found here Moist Chocolate Cake
Serves: 8
 
INGREDIENTS
  • For the cake:
  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup xylitol, erythritol, or coconut sugar
  • 1 1/4 cups whole milk or coconut milk for dairy free
  • 2 cups almond flour (also called almond meal), my favorite is Honeyville
  • 3/4 cup coconut flour
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 7 Tb. good quality cocoa powder, my favorite is Valrhona
  • 1 stick unsalted butter, melted or coconut oil for dairy free
  • 2 tsp. vanilla

I chose a different Frosting recipe. It can be found here. Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting

INSTRUCTIONS
  1. Make the Cake:
  2. Preheat oven to 350.°
  3. Line the bottom of 2 round 8″ x 2″cake pans with parchment paper. The easiest way to do this is to trace around the bottom of a cake pan with a pencil on a sheet of parchment paper large enough for 2 cake pan bottoms. Fold the paper in half so that when you cut out 1 circle, you’re actually cutting out 2. Grease sides of pan and top of parchment paper with butter or coconut oil spray.
  4. May also be made as sheet cake: grease a 9″x13″ baking pan.
  5. Dough may be mixed with a spoon, with a hand-held mixer, or a standing mixer.
  6. Beat eggs, in a bowl large enough to hold all of the ingredients. Add xylitol and milk and combine. Add all of the other ingredients and combine well.
  7. Divide batter evenly into prepared pans. Bake at 350° for about 28-35 minutes. Cook until cake is just set. Do not overbake. Slightly underbaking is better than overbaking.
  8. Oven temperatures and cooking times vary. The best way to test for doneness is by lightly touching the center of the cake. The cake should feel just set.
  9. The first time you do this you want to get a feel for what is jiggly and what is set. The description makes it sound more complicated than it is…but I think it will be helpful.
  10. Look at the cake after about 25 minutes, when it is clearly not yet done and the center is jiggly. Check again after 3-5 minutes and you’ll notice that the center is getting more set. When the center has just completely set touch it lightly. If it feels really soft let it cook a little more. Check every few minutes, touching gently in the center, and remove from the oven when set but still a little soft. Notice how long this took. The next time you’ll know exactly how long to bake the cakes for. Also you get the feel of it after the first time so it isn’t so nerve-wracking. Let cake cool completely before frosting.

Odin’s Nuts

If great and mighty warriors that had been brought to Valhalla by the Valkyries after being slain in battles were to eat a tasty seasoned nut. THIS WOULD BE THE NUT. These nuts are not for the lighthearted, seriously, these are Odin’s nuts.

wn-truffle-marcona-almonds.png
Traderjoes.com

I present to you Trader Joe’s Truffle Marcona Almonds. But.. but they are Italian, and …almonds. Almonds do not scream Thor and Odin, and freaking Valhalla. Almonds do not make you want to run wildly down the street, wearing fur, chanting a warriors chant about to slay your foes. No! That is the realm of the majestic walnut.

Not this time!

A friend of mine gave me a few of these nuts at his house last week, and I took the bag and refused to give them back till I had consumed every last one of them. They really are the perfect taste. The Umami of the truffle salt paired with the sweeteness of the Marcona Almonds  is perfect. They are “beefy,” the food of a warrior and ridiculously good. I am on my fourth bag of them. Maybe I am not a warrior, but I am a viking inside and these make me want to go slay something. So folks, go out and make Odin proud by eating his nuts. They really are excellent.