Lets Talk Christmas Trees

I love a good strange Christmas tree. Strange in the sense that this is not a typical red and green affair, but something different. To me Christmas trees are an opportunity to get creative, and shout “This is me!” Let that freak flag fly. My freak flag is covered in glitter and peacock feathers. To me, not only should Christmas trees be an expression of the families motto, but they should be as large as humanly possible. Covered with as many lights, and glitter as the tree can hold up and not fall over. Ever see Christmas Vacation? This movie is my holiday spiritual animal.

YAAAS! These are my people.

I think when I get around to decorating outside it will be the same thing. A little lovely, a little batshit insane and allllllll the lights that the power grid can handle. And lasers. Definitely lasers. Maybe a set of reindeer with a santa that throws glitter at passerbys.

Dat drop yo..

This is a roundabout way of coming around to my personal christmas tree. My tree is a curated and sculpted ode to the loveliness of all that is peacock. I love peacocks. They are loud and noisy and kinda prissy. Them with all their feathers and loud squawking.

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I am a badass of the bird world.  Did you see my feathers?

It is my own personal work of art. It is my christmas “thing.” I also have a tiny little christmas tree that sits on the table that holds all the ornaments that would look gauche on my already ridiculous gauche tree. I am looking at you “Christmas Story” Lamp ornament. FRA- GI-LE.

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Give me a pink bird, or give me death.

 

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I have two, wreaths on this tree. Count them TWO. One as a kinda topper, and the other that is at eye level. One day I will have two large trees. One giant ten foot monstrosity, and maybe another dedicated to candy, or hummingbirds, or the desert. I dunno. But it is going to happen. Get yourself a giant tree and let that flag fly.

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Highfalutinhobo@gmail.com

Tales from the tabler household.

Mmmmm raw bacon. Just needs a cardboard shovel and a nice chianti

“I was at the grocery store tonight. I’d had chicken fingers for dinner, but that didn’t quite do the trick: felt kinda snackish, figured some cold cuts would about hit the spot. Looked at my options, wasn’t feelin’ the salami or the prosciutto, so I grabbed something that looked kinda bacon-y.  
Driving home, opened up my treat. Looked rather oilier than I had anticipated. Didn’t want to try and eat it with my fingers, but didn’t have anything really handy. So I tore a corner off of my chicken fingers box and used it for a kind of makeshift spoon.
Got home, snack finished. Looked again at the packaging. “Diced Pancetta.” Despite sitting – literally – between the salami and the prosciutto, it is not pre-cooked.
Turns out, my proudest moment is *not* the night I ate an entire package of diced raw bacon with a goddamn cardboard shovel. Somehow, the fact that it wasn’t just bacon, but fancy imported Italian bacon, isn’t helping. On the other hand, the cardboard shovel’s previous life as a fast food wrapper *does* make it a little worse.
All of this is a long way of saying that I can now be reached at highfalutinhobo@gmail.com.”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk

Tales from the tabler household.

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“Look daddy! Every time a bell rings a daughter accidentally nails her daddy in the nuts.”

My husbands poor poor family jewels..

“I was sitting on the couch, the other day, while Vivian was playing in the living room. She ran up to me, between my knees, like she usually does when she’s getting ready to crawl in my lap, but she stopped short.

“Daddy! Hi!”
“Hi! Hi, Vivian!”
“Ouch! Ouch!”

I look around – she does say “ouch” when she gets an owie, but she says “ouch” for a lot of other reasons that I haven’t figured out yet.

“What’sa matter, sweetie?”
“Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!”
“You OK? You alright”
“Ouch! Ouch!”
“What’s ouch, sweetie?”

All of a sudden, she winds up and W H A M. Knee in the groin.

“Hi! Ouch!”
“… seriously, kid? Did you get sick of Sesame Street and switch over to Three Stooges while no one was looking?”
“Oh no!”
“I think you mean ‘nyuk nyuk nyuk.'”

3 months!

Wow it has been three months since my last post.. slacker! Got out of the habit of writing, than didn’t feel like I had anything remotely interesting to write about. So what have I been up to? Well aside from running screaming from political posts on facebook, I have been making a busy book for my kid. “Why,” you ask?  I have no idea, aside from the fact that I like felt. Yay felt! A material that has really no other use than making crazy busy books that will entertain my kid for a few mins. Plus they have the added bonus of allowing me to exercise my incredibly geeky self.. hello Star Wars, Dr, Who, and Firefly pages. I might even throw in an incredible lieutenant Riker beard page. Seriously, have you seen that mans beard? It needs an instagram..


I kid, I kid, that’s Data.

 


He is looking majestically into the ether, as it looks back upon him and gives him a head nod for his amazing beard.

 

Anywho back to our regularly schedule blog post.

Here are some of the recent pages I have been creating. No theme really just seeing things on Pinterest I like and saying to myself, “Yo, I can do that.” Well not really with the “yo.” I’m not cool.


 

If there is any interest I’ll make How-tos and I will keep update on my progress on these. It is fun because I can let my inner geek out.

Feeling a little drab!! Must add flowers

Not much to actually say here, I have needed to do something creative, so I made a flower basket. Picked up a few things from goodwilland tore them apart. Joanns is having a sale on spring flowers, 75% off. Woot woot. Here is the result. 

Lego My Table

“Lego, however, is always opened and then left lying around so adults have something to tread on when they are prowling around the house at two in the morning, in bare feet, looking for the source of a noise.” 

― Jeremy Clarkson, And Another Thing

I got bored. A few nights ago I was feeling all sorts of restless. I needed to do something, and I have a whole lot of projects staring me in the face. I got project guilt. All these cool things begging to be crafted, and I would rather watch reruns of supernatural. Team Dean! I forced myself to trot, yes trot, into the garage and start one of the pieces of furniture I have piled up in there. Anything. 


Backstory time. I was playing with this brand new stencil I got at Joanns. It’s purdy, I thought would this be lovely on my lack table from Ikea. Oh I only have latex paint? No worries, it should work out fine. It did not work out in any sort of fine. Latex paint, although lovely looks like shit when used with a stencil. Ladies and gentlemen, the more you know. I am also lazy as well as bored, so I neither wanted to sand or scrape the paint off. Enter jigsaw! I found this lovely broken Lego table top at goodwill for a whole four bucks. It needed some loving… And um legs. No legs, no problem! I’ll just sort of Frankenstein them together, and it shall me my masterpiece. My kid will dig it, and I got rid of a piece of furniture that has been looking at me for months. Go me! 

I hate you latex stained lack table. You vex me.
 

Four dollars!! Worth every penny!
Underside.
Top attached, kinda ugly but functional! stupid latex paint.
My ugly duckling phase.
I’m so pretty, and people love me. They really really love me.

Update: Rug 2 – Me 0

I think I am beginning to actually hate this rug. I didn’t take a picture because.. Shame. The rug now looks like wine was spilled on it and it was cleaned with a sham wow. I thought I would try purple, you know, new and exciting. Goes great with teal. The rug laughed at me and slapped me across the face with a tassel. I have spent more on dye now than I had on the actual rug itself. All I want is an over dyed rug.. Seriously it isn’t rocket surgery, Is it?

This is the Project that wouldn’t end..

I decided one of my four black 2 x 6 expedits need a makeover. A facelift. A refresh. A cheap coating of “makeup” that will go better with my seaside meets modern meets turquoise explosion in my living room. Expedits are wonderful and very versatile furniture from IKEA. You can pretty much do anything with them, but they have a very specific look and can look very cluttered if you use all the compartments.

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This  is what the original looks like.We have five of them, my hubby likes cubbies.

I have been wracking my brain for some time trying to figure out what to do with a very modest budget and this. I have, like, a gazillion pins. I have an entire pin board dedicated to what to do with bookcases. It is really important in our household. We live in 1000 square feet and have a lot of crap. I also have an aversion to clutter, but I like stuff. Go figure. Thus starts the great furniture redo.

I am going to start by apologizing. I didn’t catch the very beginning of this project like I wish I had on film. I found on IKEA Hackers dimensions for creating doors for an expedit. Door Link The plywood called for 39cm X 79.5cm. Which works out to roughly 15.35 x 31.29. I winged it and had a sheet of plywood that was faced with pine cut to 15.5″ x 31.25″.  It worked out just fine size wise. Because this is a project with a strict budget and I am a picky person in terms of design, I wanted a modern feel but not modern pricing. I found a box of cedar shims at Home Depot for 4.99 and loved the shape and different wood patterns. I decided to place them horizontally using wood glue and clamps. Shims are at a 45 degree angle, so it gave the doors a really interesting texture.

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You will have to sort through the box of wood to find pieces that work. But for 4.99 what the hell.

Once all the shims were glued into place, I used snippers to cut the ends so that they were flush with the edge of the board. I then hit them with a sander and some natural stain to bring out all the imperfections and wood differences.

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Not stained yet, but at least it is all glued. 

The doors are finally taking shape. Now to attack the Expedit itself.

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I seriously dislike the varnish crap that comes on IKEA furniture.

I love teal. It is kinda an obsession. I have a lot of teal crap in my house because of it. I thought, “Let’s paint it teal. It will be easy!” Right. Here are my tried and true steps for painting IKEA furniture.

  1. Buy half a dozen cans of spray paint that is meant to be sprayed on plastic. Price = 25.00$
  2. Get a bottle of wine. Price = 6.00$
  3. Drink half the bottle of wine.  Price = Half my liver.
  4. Proceed to sanding the ever living shit out of every surface you intend to paint. Price = offended my neighbors with the cursing.
  5. Sand some more. price = more neighbors pissed. Dog is looking at me weird.
  6. Drink more wine. Price = Other half of liver.
  7. Wipe down excess residue from the sanding. I like windex for this. Don’t ask me why.
  8. Apply safety equipment. Get a ventilator because these fumes make you stupid. Price = 15.00
  9. Spray spray spray.
    1. I tend to like light coats. They stick better.
    2. Do not spray during super humid weather. See how there are chunks missing from the paint. That is because it was too humid and did not stick.
  10. For this unit I went through 6 cans of paint over the course of 2 weeks. With some light sanding in between due to weather problems.
  11. Go to home depot and purchase a heavy duty water based shellac. This is important, as it helps keep things from chipping. Price = 12.99 Worth every penny.
  12. Apply copious coats of shellac.
  13. Let Dry.

I used spray paint in this project, but a good paint with a built in primer works also. Just remember to shellac the hell out of it and you will be fine.

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Don’t mind the paper under the right leg. My floor is stupendously off kilter. 
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Metal door catch. Looks easy to install.  right.. 

Here are the doors stained and attached with hinges and magnetic clasps. I would write more about how to do that, but it took me 3 hours and I am sure I did it incorrectly. I was just happy that the doors opened and closed effectively. The feet were purchased at home depot for 4.50 apiece. I attached them over a seam. Be gentle with the legs. IKEA furniture is hollow on the outside so not incredibly strong for drilling and such. Also, the hinges need to be attached to the inside instead of the outside. This due to once again the outside being hollow.

If you are up for a challenge, IKEA furniture is a real pain in the ass, but it looks nice afterwards.

I killed a Smurf. Sorry, not sorry. 

As first attempts go, my first attempt at over dyeing a rug turned my rug a slightly blue tinge, but only in the right light. It also stained my tub like a smurf crime scene. I killed Brainy. He was annoying as hell anyway. Don’t tell anyone.

Brainy
No one likes you.

I would deduce this as a pinterfail but frankly, I don’t fail pins. I do them twenty times till I have flattened my face by hitting a wall or I make the damn pin. I mean why buy a fifteen dollar lamp when you can make your own for two hundred.

I make other rugs jealous with my sexy ass. http://www.rugsusa.com

What I have learned from this disaster? Hotter water, I need caustic chemicals, and probably not RIT dye. But I swear on Odin’s Nuts my fifteen dollar goodwill rug will be a glorious shade of teal or I will fray it trying. I need to bring out the big guns here. I need to read some directions and God forbid follow some instructions and it will be blue. I need a blue runner. It has to happen. It is a thing now. I sound like a crazy person… Stop looking at me like that. I’m not crazy. (Tries to bite own ear)

Also Smurf blood is a really good indicator that one should clean their tub. Is this the rug of sadness? I think so..

To Throw Up or Not To Throw Up.. That is the Question

“Please stop throwing up. Please with a cherry on top? Oh a cherry makes you want to puke. With “whatever-you-want” on top that will not make you puke. A pony. You can have a pony, jesus christ. I’ll make you a pony sundae, just please don’t throw up on.. me.. damn.”

Me. Night before last with The Viking and into her 8th hour of puking.

 

Jesus tap-dancing christ. Kids can be icky. It isn’t their fault. My poor unknowing daughter’s stomach got bitch slapped by a “pissed off pimp” of a virus. She greeted me with a helloooooo blerg at 11 pm. What ensued can only be described as puke-topia. Every towel, washcloth, t-shirt, and blanket was covered. This level of ick really was new for me. So yay experience! Can you imagine my maniacal happy smile?

Kids do not come with manuals or handbooks. I think I learned that night two of her life when I did not know what to do with her. I mean, I am supposed to take her home? At that time I was starting to dive head first, no life preserver into post-partum depression that nearly killed me. So I was a little off my rocker. I will write in great detail when I am ready to relive the bits I remember.

Mark and I just started surfing the waves of puke, laughing at how ridiculous the clean up was going to be, and trying to keep our babies’ spirits up. In an odd way it was a good experience for both of us. As we dorkily like to say, “Team Tabler” and then we fist bump like we are cool.

Also, she is adorable even if she does not throw up rainbows and butterflies. We made it through her first bought of illness. Go us!