Highfalutinhobo@gmail.com

Tales from the tabler household.

Mmmmm raw bacon. Just needs a cardboard shovel and a nice chianti

“I was at the grocery store tonight. I’d had chicken fingers for dinner, but that didn’t quite do the trick: felt kinda snackish, figured some cold cuts would about hit the spot. Looked at my options, wasn’t feelin’ the salami or the prosciutto, so I grabbed something that looked kinda bacon-y.  
Driving home, opened up my treat. Looked rather oilier than I had anticipated. Didn’t want to try and eat it with my fingers, but didn’t have anything really handy. So I tore a corner off of my chicken fingers box and used it for a kind of makeshift spoon.
Got home, snack finished. Looked again at the packaging. “Diced Pancetta.” Despite sitting – literally – between the salami and the prosciutto, it is not pre-cooked.
Turns out, my proudest moment is *not* the night I ate an entire package of diced raw bacon with a goddamn cardboard shovel. Somehow, the fact that it wasn’t just bacon, but fancy imported Italian bacon, isn’t helping. On the other hand, the cardboard shovel’s previous life as a fast food wrapper *does* make it a little worse.
All of this is a long way of saying that I can now be reached at highfalutinhobo@gmail.com.”

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Feeling a little drab!! Must add flowers

Not much to actually say here, I have needed to do something creative, so I made a flower basket. Picked up a few things from goodwilland tore them apart. Joanns is having a sale on spring flowers, 75% off. Woot woot. Here is the result. 

Lego My Table

“Lego, however, is always opened and then left lying around so adults have something to tread on when they are prowling around the house at two in the morning, in bare feet, looking for the source of a noise.” 

― Jeremy Clarkson, And Another Thing

I got bored. A few nights ago I was feeling all sorts of restless. I needed to do something, and I have a whole lot of projects staring me in the face. I got project guilt. All these cool things begging to be crafted, and I would rather watch reruns of supernatural. Team Dean! I forced myself to trot, yes trot, into the garage and start one of the pieces of furniture I have piled up in there. Anything. 


Backstory time. I was playing with this brand new stencil I got at Joanns. It’s purdy, I thought would this be lovely on my lack table from Ikea. Oh I only have latex paint? No worries, it should work out fine. It did not work out in any sort of fine. Latex paint, although lovely looks like shit when used with a stencil. Ladies and gentlemen, the more you know. I am also lazy as well as bored, so I neither wanted to sand or scrape the paint off. Enter jigsaw! I found this lovely broken Lego table top at goodwill for a whole four bucks. It needed some loving… And um legs. No legs, no problem! I’ll just sort of Frankenstein them together, and it shall me my masterpiece. My kid will dig it, and I got rid of a piece of furniture that has been looking at me for months. Go me! 

I hate you latex stained lack table. You vex me.
 

Four dollars!! Worth every penny!
Underside.
Top attached, kinda ugly but functional! stupid latex paint.
My ugly duckling phase.
I’m so pretty, and people love me. They really really love me.

Update: Rug 2 – Me 0

I think I am beginning to actually hate this rug. I didn’t take a picture because.. Shame. The rug now looks like wine was spilled on it and it was cleaned with a sham wow. I thought I would try purple, you know, new and exciting. Goes great with teal. The rug laughed at me and slapped me across the face with a tassel. I have spent more on dye now than I had on the actual rug itself. All I want is an over dyed rug.. Seriously it isn’t rocket surgery, Is it?

I killed a Smurf. Sorry, not sorry. 

As first attempts go, my first attempt at over dyeing a rug turned my rug a slightly blue tinge, but only in the right light. It also stained my tub like a smurf crime scene. I killed Brainy. He was annoying as hell anyway. Don’t tell anyone.

Brainy
No one likes you.

I would deduce this as a pinterfail but frankly, I don’t fail pins. I do them twenty times till I have flattened my face by hitting a wall or I make the damn pin. I mean why buy a fifteen dollar lamp when you can make your own for two hundred.

I make other rugs jealous with my sexy ass. http://www.rugsusa.com

What I have learned from this disaster? Hotter water, I need caustic chemicals, and probably not RIT dye. But I swear on Odin’s Nuts my fifteen dollar goodwill rug will be a glorious shade of teal or I will fray it trying. I need to bring out the big guns here. I need to read some directions and God forbid follow some instructions and it will be blue. I need a blue runner. It has to happen. It is a thing now. I sound like a crazy person… Stop looking at me like that. I’m not crazy. (Tries to bite own ear)

Also Smurf blood is a really good indicator that one should clean their tub. Is this the rug of sadness? I think so..

To Throw Up or Not To Throw Up.. That is the Question

“Please stop throwing up. Please with a cherry on top? Oh a cherry makes you want to puke. With “whatever-you-want” on top that will not make you puke. A pony. You can have a pony, jesus christ. I’ll make you a pony sundae, just please don’t throw up on.. me.. damn.”

Me. Night before last with The Viking and into her 8th hour of puking.

 

Jesus tap-dancing christ. Kids can be icky. It isn’t their fault. My poor unknowing daughter’s stomach got bitch slapped by a “pissed off pimp” of a virus. She greeted me with a helloooooo blerg at 11 pm. What ensued can only be described as puke-topia. Every towel, washcloth, t-shirt, and blanket was covered. This level of ick really was new for me. So yay experience! Can you imagine my maniacal happy smile?

Kids do not come with manuals or handbooks. I think I learned that night two of her life when I did not know what to do with her. I mean, I am supposed to take her home? At that time I was starting to dive head first, no life preserver into post-partum depression that nearly killed me. So I was a little off my rocker. I will write in great detail when I am ready to relive the bits I remember.

Mark and I just started surfing the waves of puke, laughing at how ridiculous the clean up was going to be, and trying to keep our babies’ spirits up. In an odd way it was a good experience for both of us. As we dorkily like to say, “Team Tabler” and then we fist bump like we are cool.

Also, she is adorable even if she does not throw up rainbows and butterflies. We made it through her first bought of illness. Go us!

I am not trying to kill my hubby, I swear!

My husband is almost completely blind in the dark. I stand constantly in amazement when we contrast how different our vision is in the dark. I am not saying I have a superpower, but let’s just say if I was in a dark room with you. “I can see you!” Mwahaha. Conversely I have to constantly wear sunglasses because I have something called photophobia which makes it sound like my eyes are afraid of the light. Stupid scared-of-the-light eyes. But really only means that my eyes are super light sensitive.

Recently, I put a black fan in a dark hallway in the middle of the night. It was hot, our fan is black, sue me. My husband fell ass over tea-kettle. He told me I was trying to kill him. He doesn’t think much of me if he thought I would try and kill him with a fan. Sheesh..

I looked on Pinterest for good ideas for an interesting room night light. I didn’t find much, I did however come across a picture of a some text that was back lit. An idea formed and I made it happen.

The execution is simple. You will need:

1. Canvas that fits in to your space. Mine was 11 x 17

2. A can of glossy black spray paint. It could be matte, but I like the reflection of the lights on the surface.

3. A lettering template of some sort. Mine were scrapbook letters that really didn’t stick right at all. Next time I am using vinyl letters or watercolor masque.

Position your phase in letters on the canvas however you please. 

Take outside, and coat the canvas with black spray paint. I did sweeping motions trying to be careful not to spray under the not so sticky letters. 

Let dry.

Pull off letters.

Add a bright cool light source. I purchased a string of ultra bright LEDs from Amazon for seven dollars. They are duck tapped to the back.

And that’s it! Easey peasey lemon squeezey. 

The next one I will make for the den is one that will say, “no sleep till Brooklyn!” Beastie Boys for life yo! 

Off!
On!

YAAAASSS I Made an Inexpensive Ottoman

I have expensive tastes. I blame it on going to design school and not being able to withstand something that is poorly designed. I get physically ill. It is stupid and makes me feel like an ass, but it is true. When something is out of balance, it kills me. Funny story, during my husband and my honeymoon on the east coast we drove through Richmond, Virginia. I had to close my eyes the whole way through the town because of how poorly designed some of it was. No offense to those of Richmond, Virginia. This is my weird quirk.

The counter to having expensive taste is you need money, lots of money. We do not have lots of money. Like at all. This poses a great and exciting challenge for me to take something that is goodwill/thrift store bough and transform it into something esthetically pleasing.  I surf Pinterest and say constantly, “I can do that shit.”  I even have a folder for it called “Current Projects.” In retrospect I should probably label it as “ICDTS” or something instead. The other life problem we have is a very small house, and a very young daughter who biffs it quite often. I needed to make a coffee table of some sort. Cheaply, that was safe for my little viking and that looked somewhat aesthetically pleasing. Because I have to look at it all day, and if it bothers me it will get relegated to the furniture graveyard that is my garage.

Thus enter the hunt for a small ottoman! I was lucky in that I found a ottoman at the goodwill, perfect size and in reasonably good condition for twenty bucks. The fabric was dirty ugly. Dated and icky. Seriously foul, but it had some good prospects. Wood feet in decent shape and it was structurally sound. Purchasing new fabric is also a problem because fabric is freaking expensive if you buy it in multiple yards. Especially fabric for chairs, and sofas. I used a single panel curtain instead that was made of some rugged material. YAAAASSS. Here is the results:

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Fugly right! At least it didn’t smell. All I am saying. 
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Here is me trying to figure out the best placement of the 7 dollar curtain panel I bought at goodwill. 
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Here is the finished project.
I will probably add another coat to the legs.
Don’t you just love the fence, it is the colors of sadness.
The underside…full of staples, blood, and love.

The process was pretty simple and straight forward.

  1. Purchased ottoman and curtain
  2. Borrowed heavy duty stapler and staples.
  3. Position curtain over ottoman making sure to get good coverage on all sides.
  4. Flipped ottoman over and began stapling curtain to the underside of the ottoman. I attached it to the wood base.
  5. I folded the edges inwards like I was wrapping a birthday present.
  6. Snipped the excess material.
  7. Tightened the legs with a phillips screwdriver and painted them white with some leftover white paint I had from another project.

I feel like a rockstar. Total cost is 27.00 dollars. I am just going to go sit on the couch and bask in my crafty awesomeness.

42. Before and After: IKEA Expedit Hack

A great idea for all the expedits I have in the house.

The Craft Queen

Disclosure: I am an affiliate of The Home Depot, and this post contains affiliate links to homedepot.com.  I am not compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely mine. If I claim or appear to be an expert on a certain topic or product or service area, I will only endorse products or services that I believe, based on my expertise, are worthy of such endorsement. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider.

Hey, remember back in September when I showed you a sneak peek of the IKEA Expedit shelving system makeover?  It’s FINALLY finished!

To refresh your memory, this is what I started with:

ikea expedit
Now, I am happy to present you with the final product!

Boom goes the dynamite:

ikea expedit hack
I cannot…

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The Spice Must Flow

Dune is a ridiculous book. Don’t hate on me for saying it. I only read the first book, so maybe in the sequels it gets less “odd.” I am not honestly sure. It is probably the perfect book for the sci fi lover who likes out there works like Dune and Octavia Butler. But, seriously. It was so ridiculous in parts that it made me giggle uncomfortably. The movie with Sting did not help much. Even if it was true 1980’s in all it’s glory.

That being said, the book has some seriously kick-ass quotes and the sand worms are awesome. I decided that the, “The Spice must flow,” is the quote for my spice wall. I have a lot of spices, some of which I have never used. But it is like tools, eventually you get around to using it for something. Besides, it gives me a chance to go out and make odd dishes for the hell of it. The moral of this story is “Must have many odd spices.”

I decided to make a wall of spice. I still want to get a picture of a sand worm instead of the cooking picture. But you get the point.

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Remember, “Fear is the mind killer.” Or whatever…