I like children. No, no seriously, I swear I do. I spawned one myself we named “The Viking”. I feel like that when I have to qualify how much I like children, “The lady doth protest to much, methinks.” My problem with kids is that when they are from the ages of 12-17, they usually turn into monsters. It is just a bad age for most kids. Myself included. I was a hellion. For you old folks out there, I was a “ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” kind of hellion.
courtesy of this website austinstudentfilm.com
Dear reader I could tell you stories, but my folks will probably read this.
Anyway, I digress. The reason I bring up the age range is because on a recent cruise vacation to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman, I had the good fortune of striking a few things off of my life list. Made me as giddy as a fat kid and cake. I should know because I am both, ahem, pudgy and I love cake. I got to swim with sharks (rays, but they are of the shark family. They are sharks. Yes they are. Shut up. I swam with sharks dammit), and go snorkeling in a coral reef. Both were amazing, but the later was incredible.
So here I am swimming along, happily, and blissfully. Snorkel in my mouth and go-pro upon my head. I am in the Grand Cayman islands and right now I am living the dream. I swim upon a conch shell that looks like it has been placed before me by the gods themselves. “Lee (my brother), Lee c’mere. A shell!! A shell!!!.” It came out as “blerg blerg” because I had the snorkel still in my mouth. But still..
I am the one in the completely fabulous retro blue and white suit and A SHARK just lovingly rubbed itself against my leg like a puppy. Hence the expression. Please ignore the waterspot, I have weak photoshop kung-fu.
I look down in excited anticipation, about to dive into the murky depths when my shell that had been placed by the fucking gods is gone. It was put there for me, and it disappeared. The gods where taunting me. I spent the next twenty minutes swimming back and forth trying to find the shell. “It was right here!!!” Alas, our time is up. The gods of the sea have brought forth the bounty, and have ripped it from my bosom. Sad, dejected, wondering what I had done wrong in this life, I got back up in the boat. And what do you know but a stupid 12 year brat is talking about the cool shell that he found. My shell… Is it wrong to throw children off boat? That kid waited till I turned around and swam under me. This is why some people should not breed. Just saying.
About a month later I was shopping at goodwill, unlike photoshop I have strong goodwill kung-fu, and found a perfect conch shell for 7 bucks. I bought that sucker and cradled it to my breast. I HAVE A CONCH SHELL BITCHES. I like to pretend that this conch shell was the one from Cayman islands and I booted that stupid 12 year old off the boat and took back my shell. A girl can dream can’t she.
Life list item achieved – Got myself a damn conch shell.