The Conch Catastrophe

I like children. No, no seriously, I swear I do. I spawned one myself we named “The Viking”. I feel like that when I have to qualify how much I like children, “The lady doth protest to much, methinks.” My problem with kids is that when they are from the ages of 12-17, they usually turn into monsters. It is just a bad age for most kids. Myself included. I was a hellion. For you old folks out there, I was a “ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” kind of hellion.

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courtesy of this website austinstudentfilm.com

Dear reader I could tell you stories, but my folks will probably read this.

Anyway, I digress. The reason I bring up the age range is because on a recent cruise vacation to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman, I had the good fortune of striking a few things off of my life list. Made me as giddy as a fat kid and cake. I should know because I am both, ahem, pudgy and I love cake. I got to swim with sharks (rays, but they are of the shark family. They are sharks. Yes they are. Shut up. I swam with sharks dammit), and go snorkeling in a coral reef. Both were amazing, but the later was incredible.

So here I am swimming along, happily, and blissfully. Snorkel in my mouth and go-pro upon my head. I am in the Grand Cayman islands and right now I am living the dream. I swim upon a conch shell that looks like it has been placed before me by the gods themselves. “Lee (my brother), Lee c’mere. A shell!! A shell!!!.” It came out as “blerg blerg” because I had the snorkel still in my mouth. But still..

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I am the one in the completely fabulous retro blue and white suit and A SHARK just lovingly rubbed itself against my leg like a puppy. Hence the expression. Please ignore the waterspot, I have weak photoshop kung-fu.

I look down in excited anticipation, about to dive into the murky depths when my shell that had been placed by the fucking gods is gone. It was put there for me, and it disappeared. The gods where taunting me. I spent the next twenty minutes swimming back and forth trying to find the shell. “It was right here!!!” Alas, our time is up. The gods of the sea have brought forth the bounty, and have ripped it from my bosom.  Sad, dejected, wondering what I had done wrong in this life, I got back up in the boat. And what do you know but a stupid 12 year brat is talking about the cool shell that he found. My shell… Is it wrong to throw children off boat? That kid waited till I turned around and swam under me. This is why some people should not breed. Just saying.

About a month later I was shopping at goodwill, unlike photoshop I have strong goodwill kung-fu, and found a perfect conch shell for 7 bucks. I bought that sucker and cradled it to my breast. I HAVE A CONCH SHELL BITCHES. I like to pretend that this conch shell was the one from Cayman islands and I booted that stupid 12 year old off the boat and took back my shell. A girl can dream can’t she.

Life list item achieved – Got myself a damn conch shell.

 

 

BACON! The other food group.

Man was I jonesing for sugar this morning. I mean we are talking pancakes dipped in butter and maple syrup, a large iced vanilla coffee, and probably some sort of donut to finish off the experience. This is my relationship with pastries or donuts.

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courtesy of my news feed on facebook

Right.. This daily feeling lead me to my current and ever present condition of having a Buddha belly and ass that kinda likes to hang out on both sides instead of just going backwards. It really isn’t a good look. I have been pretty heavy for years, which doesn’t necessarily mean that I was horribly out of shape all those years. I did crossfit for two years and became a pretty serious power lifter (350 deadlift.. anyone), but I am really not happy with the current state of things.

One of my goals I set myself for this year was to get off what I like to call the sugar train. I need to become a good example for my daughter and finally be able to get into kayaking. Right now I would sink the boat. So I ate paleo/keto for one month. I lost 8 pounds. I am going to continue eating Paleo/Keto for the foreseeable future, I like the way it makes me feel and I love how I feel like I am taking control of something in regards to my health.

I tried some excellent recipes that I found were very helpful in getting over the hump that happens in the first few weeks where your body is craving sugar and/or you have some bad habits that you need to kill.

    1. Cherry Almond Upside Down Muffins, which I fed to my family and they didn’t get all weird that it was paleo.
    2. Creamsicle Jello, which I ate with a spoon like it was my last meal on earth.
    3. Easy Guacamole, Which I ate on pork rinds.

 

I know that these are not strictly paleo, there is mayo in the guacamole, and dairy in the jello. But my intentions where to ease into this lifestyle. If you have any great ideas on menus or recipes I would love to hear them.

 

 

 

It’s a beautiful rainy morning..and it is time to try shit.

Since this is my first blog post, obligatory introductions are in order. My name is Elizabeth Tabler, you may call me Beth. I was brought forth into this world 35 years ago in the “not so big” town of Las Vegas, Nevada. I am married to a wonderful man named Mark, and I have a little girl. Lets call her, “The Viking.” Because damn if thats not the appropriate description for her.

I named this blog, “before we go,” because one of my greatest joys in life is trying shit. Whether it is Civet “poop flavored” coffee, some weird food, or some odd experience, It’s my jam. This all started when I was about 11 years old and wrote my first to do list. I actually have this list framed and hanging on the wall in my living room. Lists are my neurosis… I have 9k pins on Pinterest and find the most unusual stuff to try. If you would like to see some of my past projects, check out my Project Completed  folder.

Also, I will be tracking my life list (which is a full on book) and my yearly list.

  • Make amazing mac and cheese
  • Get all the Dr. Seuss books for the viking. Who am I kidding. Dr. Seuss is badass and it really is for me.
  • Read 100 books
  • Finish the 100 greatest graphic novel list found Here
  • Get all the Robert Sabuda Books. I have a thing for pop up books
  • Get all the Dresden File books. Because c’mon. Amazeballs.
  • Keep a strict keto diet for a month My god keto is amazing.. well BACON
  • Lose 80 pounds
  • Own a conch shell.
  • Own a little mermaid snow globe. Don’t ask, I just really want one.
  • Practice German for another year. ja ich spreche Deutsch ein bisschen. Schau mich gehen.
  • Practice guitar every day for a month.
  • Find a dooney and burke princess bag at goodwill. It will happen!

Along with these I’ll write up little things on whatever I am up to. It should be highly entertaining for me and my family who will read the blog. Tschuss.