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Hot Tub Time Machine for Two

By February 25, 2016No Comments


The mist swirled in front of me as I entered the dark cavernous chamber. I thought,”What am I doing here, I am to young to die!” Followed by, “Wait, I am being way too dramatic here, deep breaths, deep breaths.” I took a deep breath and was stung by the ever-so pleasant smell  of cleaning solution and tinge of chlorine.  A cacophony  of Muzak blared at me from all sides while the teeth of the non-slip flooring bit into my tender feet. I quivered with both anticipation and fear at what lay before me. Buried in the floor like a witches cauldron was a maelstrom of bubbling liquid the many colors of the rainbow. It frothed and coiled as if the devil himself were stirring it. The lights in the dark room slipped color to color almost sending me into a trance like state… I tentatively dip my big toe into the maelstrom and awaited a reaction. I waited..and I waited. Nothing but a wet toe? I shiver now not with anticipation but because I am wearing a bathing suit and the room is a bit chilly. The water was warm though on my tow and rather inviting. Should I fight this inner urge to thrown myself into the colors and froth? “Wait,” I thought. “Is that a potted plant?” And, “are those plaster-cast columns of a semi-greek nature?” “Is that a hand-painted mural of Mt. Hood? What is Mt. Hood doing in this dark cavern of mystery?” I have an epiphany,  I am not in the denouement of a fantasy novel about to fight the evil sorcerer with nothing on but a bathing suit. NO! The bubbling pit before me is not a witches brew of malice but a hot tub filled with germ killing chlorine.  I am about to go HOT TUBBING!!!!! Did I mention it’s winter, we are indoors (obviously) and this is freaking awesome.

I got an opportunity to enjoy an hour of bliss at Portland Tub and Tan . For 60 dollars a couple can enjoy basking in very clean jacuzzi water in a giant tub listening to their music of choice. Anything from 70’s disco to rap.  It is a very unique and truly Portland experience.


Not my room specifically, but pretty damn close.

It was really enjoyable and about 6 inches from being cheesy as hell. I LOVED IT. My motto is the more gaudy, the more lights, and the more sparkle the better. Or written formally MAGIS ET MAGIS LUMINARIA MICANT. Frankly I envision myself as one of those old ladies in sparkly tennis shoes and bitchin’ work-out gear, with the perfectly coiffed blue hair. So this place is perfect for me. Next time I am requesting the room with the disco ball.


They have a DMX music selector, and you know I am going to bust out some disco.

My Husband and I are most definitely going back. Sadly I will not be experiencing the tanning services. For I am actually fish belly white, burn while standing in a dark room so I shun the sun. Shunnnnn.


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