Well no, it really isn’t crap. Maybe you could liken camping to cold french fries that you warm up in the microwave. It is supposed to be satisfying, but they are never really as good as you expect it to be and it will probably leave you with a stomach ache and/or the runs. Also, isn’t camping supposed to bring you all sorts of enlightenment? Get out into nature and experience a oneness. Let me set the scene. Last minute, “why the hell not” decision to camp on a Friday night. insert an inadequately prepared family of 4 with neurotic dogs. Grandmother, husband, me and a 14-month-old baby. Here is what I learned on my last camping trip.
Setting up a tent on a hillside where you sleep at a 45-degree angle could be classified as a weird sort of psychological torture. Constantly sliding down a hill while sleeping makes you dream you are going to slip-n-slide to hell or the world is covered in lube.
Never camp with a 30-year-old tent. I am still coughing out the shredded plastic fibers. The only upside is the calming pea green color. Why did folks in the early eighties think pea green was the color du jour?
Only camp with your toddler if absolutely necessary. If there is a cliff, river, or patch of poison something your toddler will run at it full speed. Which means as a parent you will have to hold your screaming toddler. The whole time. (see the previous comment about being inadequately prepared) My kid weighed thirty pounds. I hated everyone after hour 3.
Never camp with my dog. My dog hates other dogs. He tries to simultaneously shred them to pieces and run away scared. The dog had to remain on a leash for the entirety of camping outing. Thus, the dog made a circular track around the tree while he tried to maim every foreign thing he saw. This included wildlife, trees, stumps, the stars, me after awhile. It was all a crazy fever dream for him. This got annoying at 2 am. For the extent of the trip; I hated my dog.
Mosquitos were invented by the devil to taunt me. If only they sucked fat instead of blood. (see number 6) Ever read the book, “Thinner?” That would be me. They will hassle no one else. I swatted mosquitos away and prayed for a firestorm. The other members of my camping party told me it was all in my head. I wanted to push them in the aforementioned poison-something bush.
I ended up eating only chips because it was both too dark to see and I was too tired to give a damn. Actually, this wasn’t all that bad.
Fire is beautiful and the thought of roasting smores by the campsite is great until your toddler wants to play with the shiny bright thing.
Raccoons are jerk faces.
I want to like camping. I used to love it when I was a kid, but now it seems like it lacks all the things I want in my daily life; toilets, showers, hot food, no bugs. I end up feeling like, “what fresh hell is nature bringing me now?” I’ll camp if it is not torture so my kid can eat a s’more. But future self will need a fabulous RV or tasteful beekeeper suit. I can look out at nature and flip off all the bugs.
“Vivian and I were chilling this afternoon, watching Internet videos. I introduced her to Eduard Khil’s Vocalise, better known as the Trololol song. We got to the second chorus, and Vivian did her grunt/shout thing just about 1 beat after each note for five notes, which I thought was pretty neat but probably a coincidence. Then I caught a whiff of the air.
My baby daughter just farted to the beat of the Trololol song.
Wow it has been three months since my last post.. slacker! Got out of the habit of writing, than didn’t feel like I had anything remotely interesting to write about. So what have I been up to? Well aside from running screaming from political posts on facebook, I have been making a busy book for my kid. “Why,” you ask? I have no idea, aside from the fact that I like felt. Yay felt! A material that has really no other use than making crazy busy books that will entertain my kid for a few mins. Plus they have the added bonus of allowing me to exercise my incredibly geeky self.. hello Star Wars, Dr, Who, and Firefly pages. I might even throw in an incredible lieutenant Riker beard page. Seriously, have you seen that mans beard? It needs an instagram..
I kid, I kid, that’s Data.
He is looking majestically into the ether, as it looks back upon him and gives him a head nod for his amazing beard.
Anywho back to our regularly schedule blog post.
Here are some of the recent pages I have been creating. No theme really just seeing things on Pinterest I like and saying to myself, “Yo, I can do that.” Well not really with the “yo.” I’m not cool.
If there is any interest I’ll make How-tos and I will keep update on my progress on these. It is fun because I can let my inner geek out.
I don’t think there is a more pure form of happiness than the glee that comes from a piece of fabric. It makes a child so sublimely happy. The swirl, swish, or clunk of the fabric seems to have magical affects on kids. I know that when I was a child I loved to twirl. I would put on this baby blue dress that I wore at my brother’s wedding and stand in front of the mirror and spin and spin. So much so, that I would get dizzy and fall down on the tile. But that was part of the fun. Spin, spin, spin, spin, fall, pause, and get up again. Over and over. I would watch the way the sunlight poured through the lace of the dress and feel beautiful in the way that children do. I would feel special, because this was a special dress that had been worn on a special occasion. In wearing it again I was getting an opportunity to relive that moment.
For this Easter I dressed my viking up in a tutu made of all the colors of the rainbow. She is too young to get the full affect of wearing a giant tutu. But I caught her out of the corner of my eye discovering the joy of spinning around in a skirt and the glee that would come from it. For me that was so much better than all the candy and eggs I could have had. I will continue to buy her things that make her smile: Costumes, skirts, aprons, whatever. Girl/boy clothes whatever she wants to wear. If it brings her those moments of standing in front of a mirror giggling, spinning, and falling on the floor she can have it.
I heard a very wise person once say, you should not buy any clothing that doesn’t make you want to twirl in front of a mirror, even as an adult. Since then I have bought 3 fringe shawls. Fringe I have discovered makes me want to twirl.
As experiences go, this one was a biggie for me. Watching my viking twirl for a moment and giggle was awesome.